CONAN: Alright everybody, we are back. My next guest this evening was an established star in Britain before coming to America three years ago to join the cast of the hit show "ER" [Note: He doesn't say ER, he makes the sound "er"]. Please welcome, Alex Kingston!

 

[Music, Applause...]

 

CONAN: Thanks for being here.

 

ALEX: If you expect me to top the masturbating bear, you have another thing coming, that's all I can say. [NOTE: This is a reference to a skit earlier in the show called "Who Wants to Marry the Masturbating Bear?"]

 

CONAN: That bear is getting help right now, while we speak.

 

ALEX: Yeah, I'm going to intubate him.

 

[laughter]

 

CONAN: Yeah, we need an ER doctor to work on the masturbating bear immediately. [ALEX laughs] You know I mentioned in the, eh, your introduction that you were an established star in Britain before you came here, to the states.

 

ALEX: Yeah. [pause] I wouldn't say established star, but you know.

 

CONAN: Yeah. You were doing quite well, you were doing quite well.

 

ALEX: Yeah. Yeah.

 

CONAN: You were doing quite well on the stage there, quite well known. What's your take on, you hear so much about how Americans get freaky about celebrities...what's your take on...who's freakier about celebrities, uh, is it the British or is it the Americans?

 

ALEX: Uh, to be honest, I'd say it's the British, because, uh, the Americans are really upfront. When, if the fans like you, they'll come up and tell you...how great the show is, how much they like your character. In England, they kind of, they stare and they whisper and they're very furtive and they don't dare actually approach you.

 

CONAN: Right.

 

ALEX: So you feel that something dreadful has happened to you, like your bodily fluids are all over the place. I mean it's just awful.

 

CONAN: Right.

 

ALEX: But then also they do things like, um, I mean I remember, and this was when I was at the Royal Shakespeare Company. Um, I had a fan who wanted me to send him my, um, panties and, my, um, stockings. Unwashed. So after the show...

 

CONAN: What? I mean I get that request a lot, but they always want them thoroughly clean first.

 

ALEX: This is the thing, I thought it was just some, you know, some pervert. He wanted them, the panties and the stockings I had worn in the show, he wanted me to put them in a bag and to send them to him.

 

CONAN: Right.

 

ALEX: And I was sitting there, reading this letter and I was so shocked, I then showed it to a male actor who's also in the company and he said 'Oh yeah, I had that guy years ago; he wanted my socks, unwashed.' So it, I mean...

 

CONAN: Who is this guy? He's probably be easy to spot, because he's very strangely dressed...[inaudible]

 

ALEX: Yeah. What do you think they do with it? Lie in bed and sniff them?

 

CONAN: Why are you asking me? Don't ask me. Why? [laughter] You know what, you just topped the [he and ALEX say this somewhat together] masturbating bear. You were worried about it, and then bingo, the results are in [laughter] you just beat him. Now, of course, you play a doctor on "ER"...

 

ALEX: Yeah.

 

CONAN: You get to spout all the medical jargon. Do you ever feel the urge to give advice? Because if I had all that jargon in my head, I would be, just for the fun of it recommending all kinds of medications for people.

 

ALEX: Yeah. Well, actually this is where the American fans are a little bit different, because they do write in and I've had fans writing in with their medical prescriptions. Um, and they ask me whether their doctor's recommendations are the correct ones, whether what he's prescribed is actually right. So, uh...

 

CONAN: You should right them back and just say, you know, 'No, no double that dosage.'

 

ALEX: No!

 

CONAN: And 10 more CCs of predahizone {sp?}.

 

ALEX: Yeah, exactly.

 

CONAN: Stat.

 

ALEX: Throw it all away and take up yoga! Or something.

 

CONAN: Right.

 

ALEX: Um, so I mean, that's very weird, because it invests you with an enormous amount of power and it also makes you realize, for many people, they really believe you are the, the real thing.

 

CONAN: People actually think I'm "Conan O'Brien." [laughter] Not Chip Whitley, male model. [more laughter] Uh, you know, I watch the show, uh, "ER", often, because as I said, other than, other than "Dateline," it's the only thing NBC has left. [NOTE: Reference to earlier in the show; Conan mentioned that NBC has "Dateline" on almost every night and the only other two programs left are "Friends" and "ER"]

 

ALEX: Yeah.

 

CONAN: And, uh, I watch the show and I'm stuck by the realism of it. Doctor shows in America, in the 70's and 80's, were always 'We better operate' and then cut to 'He'll be fine.'

 

ALEX: Yeah.

 

CONAN: And that was it. This show, you see a lot of, you see guts.

 

ALEX: Yeah.

 

CONAN: Seriously, what is that stuff? Whatever they...

 

ALEX: Well, it's actually, um, it's the real thing. Um...

 

CONAN: They use real human organs? I mean, I know people are desperate for work out there, in LA. 'That's my spleen, right there!' [moans as if he's missing his spleen]

 

ALEX: There are certain background artists...[laughter] There are certain background artists who are that desperate to be on the show.

 

CONAN: Yeah, that would be great if people sent in head shots, if it was just for, like 'My Aorta.' [laughter] 'I'm sorry, come back next week.'

 

ANDY: Something, something just passed by. She just called extras 'background artists.' How English of you, how nice.

 

ALEX: Yeah.

 

CONAN: That's a nice term for it.

 

ALEX: Though, actually we don't use them really. We use, um, animal organs.

 

CONAN: You use animal organs?

 

ALEX: Yep. We do. We have, um, like pig's bladders and spleens and...

 

KEVIN POLLACK: The audience now finds that more disgusting. [laughter]

 

ALEX: [continuing] lamb's hearts.

 

CONAN: The masturbating bear, the masturbating bear is backstage, like, 'She's killing! She's destroying my act!' [laughter] Really, they use, because I saw an episode once where said 'Don't worry sir, we removed that ox tail.' [laughter] You will recover.

 

ALEX: From your anus. [laughter] Oh, sorry. [even more laughter]

 

CONAN: [still somewhat laughing] What? What the hell is going on with you? You know what I love so much about this interview? Is that I think, Alex Kingston's coming on, established Shakespearean actor from Britain, so I'm on my best behavior...

 

ALEX: I'm sorry.

 

CONAN: And you're talking about pulling a tail out of someone's anus. [laughter] Now, let me tell you something...

 

ALEX: I'm sorry, yeah. We're not allowed to do that on the show, see, so I could get over my fantasies here with you. [laughter]

 

CONAN: Thank you. [more laughter] I like that, 'Oh, I can't do that on the respectable show, let's go over to Conan O'Brien.' [laughter] And freak out! [laughter] I've said this before, but this show is like the dark alley of television. [laughter] People dash back here and do things they'd never do on established shows. Uh, and that's why we love you.

 

ALEX: You get brain washed, as well. I mean, I was in that tiny little dressing room, with just the television screen, and then there's vibrators and there's everything coming at me, you know? [NOTE: The vibrator was a reference to an earlier skit with Conan and Andy's staring contest, where Andy saw King Arthur pull out a "sword" that was a vibrator]

 

CONAN: That wasn't a vibrator. That was King Arthur's sword. You're crazy.

 

ALEX: Okay. [laughter]

 

CONAN: Your mind's in the gutter. Uh, "ER," is, is uh, like I have to mention this, but folks, if you wanna see "ER," it's Thursdays at 10 on NBC. Alex, thanks for coming by.

 

ALEX: Thank you.

 

CONAN: Really entertaining. Nice to have you here. [applause] Alex Kingston, everybody! We'll take a break, we'll be right back with Kitty, they're going to perform.